I am going to start with the disclaimer that I am not judging mothers in this post. Mother are free to, and in fact I encourage them to, gather information that is out there & do what they feel they need to do after being informed. I would hope they gather the information needed know what normal behavior is for babies. It may seem like I am judging and in a sense I am. More realistically, I am evaluating supports available to moms in our community. I do this because as a professional working with moms I need to stay informed. Parents ask me about resources and expect me to be in the know. Other professional bodies ask me also, as a way to learn and grow and stay informed.
When moms are looking for resources, supports and information I would hope for acknowledgement that babies have needs beyond sleep and the occasional feed. I want moms to be able to rule out feeding issues, whether that is a breastfeeding relationship that is not going well or formula feeding. I encourage moms to looks at the body structure of themselves and their babies; it is possible that during birth there was some moved out of alignment or maybe just baby playing or sitting in a car seat funny. These things might actually be causing baby pain, making them unable to sleep or feed well. I encourage moms to look at the stress she is under; perhaps to have a perfect house, a perfect kid, a perfect meal. Maybe she is struggling with postpartum depression or upset from the birth experience, etc. I want moms to understand that human babies are born very immature and rely heavily on us for the better part of the first year to meet their every need (be that food, sleep, touch) and then slowly less and less during the next few years. Parenting is very hard and there are kinds of things that need to be looked at when things are challenging. What I know for certain is that putting your baby "away", as if it is jacket you hang up, at the same time every evening will not solve any of these things.
When a sleep trainer presents to a group of moms you can bet there will be lots of sleepy eyed mama's there. I would guess a wide range of babies to be in tow. In my limited experience observing sleep training presentation and discussing with a few friends and clients what I have observed is the vast majority of them have babies under 4 months, a few under 6 and not many between 6 months and a year and a handful of toddlers. What stands out more to me is how many babies were left, awake, in their bucket car seats, how many babies were crying and showing feeding cues, and how many babies looked hungry and had identifiable feeding issues. As a Lactation Consultant you get to know the look of the baby that is having feeding struggles. I do not want to stereotype but there are some unique characteristics that are observed. This alerts me to something else that could be happening with babies and something that impacts their ability to sleep. Where is the connection between the moms and babies? Why are we leaving babies to sit in car seats while we engage others? Why are we missing/ignoring feeding cues of our babies and feeding only once baby cries? And why are babies getting to the point of a Lactation Consultant being able to just visually look at a baby and know that baby needs supports before even asking questions yet? Why are moms so much more willing to ask a sleep trainer for help than seek out a Lactation Consultant?
During presentations I see moms bounce awake babies in car seats, rather than take them out and hold them. I see soothers in mouths rather than nursing. I see babies eyes wide open looking to make a connection, hopefully to moms. Is this now what society says is the way to parent? Repeatedly moms are offered moms places to take babies to feed if they needed space because maybe mom is just not comfortable in public and all said "My baby should not be hungry" or “he is fine” even though they were screaming over the presenter. Is my opinion of “fine” different?
When I talk about the look that some of the babies have that can alert me to feeding concerns what I mean is they have a lower tone, they don’t have “fat pads” in places I would expect, like the cheeks and thighs. Some have darker eyes or swollen looking eyes. Upon further assessment it is usually found that these babies have adrenals and livers that are working really hard. This can create an inability to sleep. These babies want to sleep and get rest but because of the stress on their bodies they cannot get into a “parasympathetic” state, which is the state we go into to sleep, but also where we heal and repair and recharge. It is also known as the “rest and digest” state. Instead these babies stay in the sympathetic state. This is the state where we are awake and stimulated. This is why these babies may appear to cry and just go-go-go. It is a “flight” response. It is also known as a “hyper-arousal”. Hopefully this helps set the stage of the babies I see that have moms asking for sleep help. And it sort of makes sense, right? These are not plump little babies with milk (be that breast or formula) running down their faces. I need to say this again; I am not judging the moms. They know NO different. I am judging society and how we support or rather don't support maternal/infant health. This is about how we are teaching people to parents. This is about what we now think is normal. I beg to differ and say that it not normal but rather what is more common. But what is common shapes our normal. What is normal seems to have shifted.
Babies (and adults, please apply this same logic to your own life and sleep patterns) will sleep when they feel full, content and safe, for the most part. This is why I encourage moms to first rule out feeding issues. 98% of mother report wanting to breastfeed and go onto initiate that. Babies will also sleep better when they feel secure, so on mom chest, snuggled into mom, able to smell a t-shirt mom was wearing if mom wants to sneak away during a nap. Sleep trainers will suggest that no more than 30% of babies are born good sleepers. So in theory 70% of babies have parents that need support with sleeping. But we have less than 20% of babies being breastfeed by about 6 months. It makes me ask the question that maybe what they needed earlier was breastfeeding support. Moms and babies would be better rested vs sleep deprived and desperate for an answer and someone waving a sleep flag their way. Getting little sleep is challenging for sure, but are we ignoring the consequences of not breastfeeding?
This current phenomenon presents the question “Does our society value sleep or breastfeeding more?” Right now in our society there is an alternative to breastfeeding. There is no alternative to sleep. Could this be where the start of the phenomenon we see today?
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